


For Now, We Are Here

by waterbaby



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Genre: Angst, BIG angst in last chapter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Finn is also wonderful, Fluff, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Poe is thoughtful and wonderful, What it means to be together, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-09-16 20:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16960980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterbaby/pseuds/waterbaby
Summary: 3 scenes from their relationship; one before, one during, and one after





	1. Genesis

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work! Please be gentle!   
> That said I'm a sucker for good criticism so literally any comments will be cherished deeply.  
> :)

It took a long time before Finn was able to wake up slowly.

When he first formally joined the Resistance, got a room and an assignment and a rank and an ID number (“It’s just for medical records and stuff. Everyone here will call you by your name and if they don’t then tell me, okay?” Poe had said to him.) he still had that Stormtrooper conditioning, twenty-some-odd years of conformity and, and torture, he was beginning to realize, that made him, among other things, sleep flat on his back and wake up every day precisely at 0600.

His first full cycle at D’Qar, after he had woken up from the coma and spent his days in relative normalcy, he woke up every day precisely at 0600. After Poe had told him you’re not on active duty so you can sleep in, you know? he woke up every day precisely at 0600. It wasn’t something he really thought about; it was kind of nice, he thought, to be up early and eat and clean his quarters and get all his physical therapy out of the way, so he could spend his afternoons exploring the grassland around the base. He’d asked Poe if he could, if there would be a problem with him just...wandering off.

“Or is there something wrong with that? Should I stay on base?” Finn had asked, looking at recon data at the same time. Poe looked at Finn with something that wasn't quite pity. Compassion, Finn thought.  
“No, Finn, of course not. You can come and go as you please. It’s up to you.”  
“You sure?” Finn asked.  
“Yeah, I mean, once you join the active duty roster probably not, but since you’re injured you basically have free rein.”

That was another thing Finn was beginning to understand about the Resistance-they cared for their own. In the First Order, Finn remembered that when DT-5911 was accidentally shot in training and the wound was more than bacta wipes could fix, she was hauled away, heavily sedated so she wouldn’t scream. Finn knew the wound on his back was bad, really bad, so bad there was nerve damage that might never be repaired. And yet, he was never expendable. People asked how he was doing. They wanted him to get better, not because they wanted him operating at full productivity, but because they didn’t want to see him in pain. Especially Poe.  
Finn knew Poe was an extraordinary person. He’d heard about him, of course, in the First Order, but only as that rebel bastard that shot down this or that vital shipment of weapons. His name was a lot of places in the First Order, usually in the mouths of Hux or Phasma, who hated him.

Finn liked Poe before he even met him. He figured that someone who infuriated Hux like Poe did was a good person.

When he woke up from the coma and saw Poe running to his bedside, still sweaty in his flight suit from the mission he just flew, he figured Poe was a good person.  
When Poe taught him sabaac and made space at the table for him to play a round with Jess and Snap and all the others, he figured Poe was a good person.  
And now, when Finn was flat on his back, throat scraped up from screaming in a nightmare, and he saw Poe stumbling bleary-eyed into his room with a cup of water and a few pills, he knew Poe was a good person.

“You okay?” Poe asked, slumping into the chair by Finn’s bed. “Jess said she heard you scream. Thought something was wrong.”  
“Just a nightmare. I think I’m good. What time is it?” Finn asked, sitting up in his bed.  
“Uhh, 0400. Want me to turn a light on or something?" Poe said, already turning up the lamp and setting the cup on Finn's bedside table, clearing the old reports from a cycle ago and setting them gently on the desk. He was careful, but sure of every movement.

Something soft unfolded a little in Finn’s chest.  
“Thanks.”  
“Yeah.”  
“What are the pills?”  
“Oh, ones a sleeping pill, other ones a painkiller. I didn’t know if your back hurt. Do you wanna take em?”  
“Sure. Thank you.”  
“Yeah, man, sure thing. You doing alright?”  
Finn sighed. “Yeah, it’s just nightmares. I have them every night.”  
“Can I help?”  
" I dunno."

Poe made to get on the bed and looked to Finn for affirmation, and when he nodded, trying not to seem too eager, Poe scrambled up till he was sitting next to Finn, body facing forward but looking right at Finn. Into him, it seemed like. Finn was both unsettled and comforted by Poe's tendency to really see people.

He handed Finn the pills and water and sat quietly while Finn took both pills along with a swig from the cup. He gulped it down, made slightly nervous by his company. Poe smiled a little.  
"Dude."  
"Yeah?" Finn asked.  
"You drink, like, really loud."  
Finn looked at him properly for the first time all night.  
"You're such an idiot, man."  
"I'm just saying! It's so loud!"  
Finn grinned, took another drink and swished it, gargled it, till Poe knocked him on the shoulder.  
"You feeling better?" Poe asked.  
"Was that your idea of making me feel better? Thank Force you're not a mind healer."  
"You feel better, don't you?"  
Finn leaned his head back and nodded almost imperceptibly.  
"Then my work here is done." He got up from the bed, plucked the cup off the bedside table, and walked to the door. He turned around, suddenly solemn, and said, "Listen, if you can get back to sleep that would obviously be ideal, but if not then comm me. That goes for pretty much every night. Whenever you need." They just looked at each other for a long moment before Finn whispered an okay, and with that, Poe flicked the lamp off and was gone. Finn lay back down and let himself be tired, be so bone-deep exhausted, and soon he was borne on the soft waves of sleep until late the next morning.


	2. Honeybody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is love; to care deeply without understanding fully

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Honeybody" by Kishi Bashi  
> Comments and kudos bring joy 2 my life!

“I think every bug in this forest has crawled on my leg at least once since we've been here. Every bug on this planet, probably. When can we leave?”  
“Can't you just enjoy being outside?” Poe said, smiling big and annoyingly gleeful over to Finn.   
“I've enjoyed it for the last three hours, man. I got work to do, work that requires a desk and a holopad and the indoors. I’m so fucking sweaty. Tell me you brought some more food.” Finn’s whole body was twitching with nervous energy, with the need to go and do something, his mouth letting whatever thought he had spill out. Both his brain and jaw were lazy with the heat, and he was talkative because of it. Poe was laying blissfully still against the trunk of a monbalsa tree, looking amusedly at his boyfriend, content to be quiet for once. Finn thought Poe would be at least as anxious as he was to get back after a whole afternoon out here, but he wasn't. It was infuriating, but also nice to see Poe at rest, so far removed from his usual kinetic state.   
“Ten more minutes”   
“Fuck you.” Finn groaned, but lay back on the ground, head resting perfectly in Poe’s lap. Poe knew not to push his luck, so he didn’t say anything, just hummed and scratched lightly at the short hair by Finn’s ear. It seemed to relax him a bit, soothe his shivering and close his eyes.  
It was another five minutes before Finn, eyes closed, talked again. “The forest scares me.” Finn said, quiet like a confession, and it might as well have been to Poe. Who was scared of the forest? It was light and noisy and showed signs of life. It was eternal and beautiful. How could Finn be afraid? But he kept his voice neutral as he asked “Why?”  
“I thought Rey was going to die in a forest.” Finn whispered. Poe remembered that day, remembered the exaltation at seeing Finn alive after Takodana, the confusion and pain at Finn’s desperation to see Rey safe. He hadn’t known Rey at the time, but had immediately wanted to see her safe if her kidnapping was causing Finn this much anguish.  
“I'm sorry. I didn't know. Do you want to go in?” he asked. Finn opened his eyes, looked up at Poe, smiled.  
“I'm fine for now. I just wanted to tell you. You keep saying you want to know things about me.”  
Poe just kept looking at him so, so tenderly while he pushed at Finn’s shoulder gently. When Finn understood and got into a sitting position, Poe was on him almost immediately, his lips soft but insistent on Finn’s and his hands tracing the lines of his jaw and collarbone. Finn curled Poe’s dark hair through his fingers and let himself sink into the kiss for a few more seconds before he pushed Poe away. When Poe opened his eyes and frowned a little at Finn, when his thumb continued to rub gently against Finn’s throat, when he didn't pressure and just let Finn do his thing, a deep wellspring of joy and hope took up residence in Finn’s mouth until he had to tell Poe, he just had to.  
“I love you.”  
Poe must have felt that same need to say it, Finn thought, because almost immediately afterwards Poe pulled him into a hug and said, in between pressing sloppy kisses to his neck, “I love you too, holy fuck, I love you so much, I was scared to tell you but I don't know why because you're beautiful and kind and I love you.”  
“Poe?” Finn asked, placing a hand splayed-out on Poe's chest.  
Poe moved back, always careful never to push a single one of Finn's boundaries. “Yeah?”  
“Wanna go inside?”

Finn didn't like the forest because it had been so unkind to him and Rey, but looking at the way the dappled, leaf-scented sunlight hit Poe's cheekbones, his hair, at the way the rotted leaves underfoot accepted each of his steps so easily, he supposed he could learn to love it. He figured he could learn to love anything, at this point, because there was so much love he felt at the moment that was wild and untamed, moving through his body and out into the world. The core of it, though, the pulsing heart of it, beat out a constant tattoo of “Poe,Poe, Poe, Poe,”  
That lovesickness wasn't helped much by the fact that Poe was just as struck. He could barely find the way back to base because he kept glancing back at Finn, trying to take in how his sweat-streaked skin had a few new leaves stuck to it, like the very trees were accepting him as one of their own. He was ethereal, Poe thought.   
At one point, they both thought the exact same thing.  
I can’t believe he loves me.

When they finally got back, and Finn pulled Poe into his room (only Finn’s room, at least officially; as much as they wanted to spend all of their time together, double rooms were in short supply and given only to married couples.) and pressed him against the wall with gentle yet steady pressure as he ran his full lips over Poe’s temples, forehead, eyelids, the points of his cheekbones and the dip between his nose and lips, till Poe was almost in tears.  
“Finn, kriff, fuck, do you really have work to do right now?”  
“No,” Finn said, standing up straight and placing his palms against the wall on either side of Poe’s head. He was so soft, even now, his eyes wide and his whole self open to Poe.  
“Finn?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I'm sorry I didn't know about you getting anxious when you're in forests.”  
Finn frowned, bemusedly, like he could not believe this was the time Poe chose to talk about the finer points of communication within their relationship.  
“Poe, kriff, I told you, it's fine. I didn't expect you to know. I never told you before.”  
“I know, but I still feel bad.”  
“Don't,” Finn said, “because that means that you don't know everything about me, which is good because that means I'm my own person. I don't know everything about you because you're your own person. It's good that there are things I still need to tell you, right?” Finn asked, looking at Poe to make sure he understood. Poe melted under his gaze.   
“Right.”  
Finn grinned in that way he did when he was beyond happy, in that way he did when all sorts of good things were promised, and moved to the bed, tipping his legs open and leaning his head back into the pillows. Poe scrambled after him, and they fell gratefully into each other.


	3. Cosmic Forces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They never expected to grow old together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in my feelings while writing this so I apologize in advance  
> Angst and literally nothing else

They always said they never expected to grow old together. They knew all too well that in wartime, that is a luxury.

Still, Poe liked to entertain the idea of him and Finn on Yavin, with a garden and friends and a firm sense of safety. He felt it getting closer with every victory, with every mission he was sure was going to get Finn killed, but miraculously didn't.

It didn't matter to Poe that the end was nowhere in sight, it just mattered that there would be an end. An end that he and Finn would celebrate, together.

But the truth is this; they got a tip from a spy on Mandalore that the First Order was hiring bounty hunters to kidnap children for the Stormtrooper program. Poe did recon, saw that everything checked out, hoped that Finn wouldn't volunteer for the strike team. He did, and Leia, ever the pragmatist, essentially put him in charge. Finn was thorough in preparations, he wasn't reckless, but he wanted to go. He wanted to keep these kids safe, and begin the mission as quickly as possible. Poe couldn't begrudge him that.

The night before he left Poe was scared for him, but no more than usual.  
“Finn.”  
“Hmm?”  
“It's gonna be fine, right?” Poe asked this question every time, and every time Finn answered the same.  
“I don't know.”  
The first time Finn had said that, Poe got scared, bolted up in bed and cried, “What do you mean you don't know?” Finn had said he didn't know, that there were a million things that could happen and he didn't want to lie just so Poe could be reassured. That first time, Poe checked with the general nearly every hour for word from Finn. The night he got back, Poe only stopped kissing Finn to hold his solemn face and make him promise to not scare Poe like that again. He did promise, but he was also honest to a fault, so Poe got the same answer to that question every single time.  
That last time, it comforted Poe, though. He figured that every time Finn said “I don't know.” he had come home mostly safe, so the odds were good, right?

Anyways, Finn said “I don't know.” and by that point those were comforting words for Poe so he let himself enjoy their last night, with easy touches and open-mouthed kisses and no counting minutes until Finn had to leave. Poe told himself they'd have millions of minutes once he got back.

The rules for personal conduct on sensitive missions are this; no contact with base unless absolutely necessary. Don't draw attention. Pay with coin, not credits. If questioned, be vague, cover your face, and disguise your voice. Evade capture whenever possible, help your team do the same, but don't prioritize their lives over your own. If you are taken, death is better than torture.

Since Finn couldn't directly communicate with base, he and Leia decided that if he wasn't back or hadn't sent word after a cycle, it was safe to assume he and his team were dead. Finn didn't tell Poe about the agreement, but after a cycle and a half, when Leia came to his room, a holopad in hand and shaking with grief and shock, he knew. In a way, he had always known.

They never expected to grow old together.

Poe had thought he'd already experienced grief, already known how it felt to lose the people he cared about most, see them killed in front of him and being helpless to stop it. He knew how sobs got caught in his throat, how he replayed the last time someone said “I love you,” how he'd just sit and remember until it hurt to even think their name. He thought he knew.

After his mother died, his lone consolation was that he knew that the pain of losing her was the worst he'd ever felt. He thought he knew.

Rey visited him nearly every day. They sat on his bed, side by side against the wall, holding hands, and would talk and cry till they fell into the deep sleep of tired bereavement. At first, Poe wondered why Rey came over so often, but he realized;

Rey had lost Finn too.

“Did you know? When he-”  
“When he left?” Rey supplied. Poe wasn't sure what answer he expected, or wanted.  
“Yeah.”  
“I knew. He wasn't in pain. He was thinking of you.”

Jessika had been helping with refugees displaced from Coruscant for the past three cycles, so she hadn't heard about Finn. Bb-8 was with her, so he hadn't either.

The day she got back, Jess bounded to Poe's room, Beeb on her heels, joyful and energetic.

“Dameron! Motherfucker, I missed you!” Jess flopped on his bed, Beeb going joyful circles around the room. “How are you?”  
“Finn’s dead.” he didn't mean to blurt it out, but it was there, a fact of this awful new life he had. Jess shook her head.  
“What?”  
“The Mandalore mission,” Poe explained, “There was some faulty intel or something, but he was captured, and-” he broke off, Jess crushing him in a hug as sobs wracked his body. She was crying too, so hard he wasn't sure where his grief ended and hers began.  
They stood like that for a long while, till their breath was steady and when BB-8 bumped his calves and let out a sad coo, Poe wrapped the little droid in his arms while he fought to catch his breath.

The first day Poe actually went back to work, the general asked him to stay after a strategy meeting.  
“Here,” she said, handing him a holopad, “it's from Finn. I meant to give it to you earlier.”  
Poe stared at the holopad, then hugged her tight. When they parted, Leia pressed her forehead against his.  
“He was a good man,” she whispered, “and he loved you. He still does.”

_Poe,_  
_I love you. I'm sorry._  
_As I'm writing this you're asleep next to me, and I hate thinking about the circumstances that might deliver this into your hands, but I have to write this. I can't leave without you knowing what you mean to me._  
_You are the reason for nearly everything I do. That sounds sappy, but it's true. You were the reason I escaped the First Order, you're the reason I'm the person I am, and I can't tell you how I love you for that. I need you to know that._  
_Right now, I'm thinking of the first time we went to Yavin, and met your dad and all your family. How we ate actual, good food for long enough that I forgot the taste of the slop they have at mess. How happy we were. I want to build a life outside of this war with you, but you already know that. I'm just so scared that I won't see the end of the war._  
_So I am thinking of Yavin, and of a whole life with you, and even if it doesn't happen in this lifetime, we’ll create it together, somehow. I believe that._  
_I love you. Even when I'm not here, I always will. That's the only thing I've known after all this time._  
_I love you,_  
_Finn_

 

 

 


End file.
